:)

Self-induced happiness is still a form of happiness. Even if it's short-lived...haha especially in the face of impending doom.

It's the little things that matter.

update update

It has been a rather tiring week with an average of between 3 to 5 hours worth of rest per night. Partly due to insomnia (been thinking about alot of shit) and my involuntary nightshift...

Ha, next week's gonna be hell and I'm still wearing myself out this week.

I became a receptionist/secretary in the morning. I wanted to ignore the incessant ringings from behind and pretended to busy myself with work but the office was near empty, the ringings were irritating and I happened to be beside a senior manager, oh well, had to answer them. The caller gave a whole string of information to a person who was not around. Asked me for the contact number, no I don't know. Yeah so why don't you just drop him an email and I didn't bother asking for the name of the caller.

But after which, I couldn't resist not passing the message virtually even though there wasn't much of a message to relay, given that I didn't get the name nor bother to take note of the contents clearly. LOL. ;)

Anyway I've been told to justify the hours charged for a stupid job that was done 3 months ago. Okay, it's not just me, the whole team...disgusting. But it wasn't that difficult to account for my 182 hours, given that I was basically doing the whole entity myself.

And facebook is scary lah, after making the horrible realisation that a long-time foe is actually friends with a close pal of mine. Eeeks. Hell, I didn't even know they knew each other! Yikes, now we are connected...ew. Urgh.

schizo entry

I can't get over the psychological barrier, it's tormenting. Well, soon to become a physical cum mental torture if I should allow it to stay.

Anyway, went for supper last night at Geylang and came across three groups of people from E, who were there for supper as well. Ha, well I was with fellow ex-colleagues as well. What a coincidence.

I've got things to do, things to look at (work-related) but I'm not doing anything about them. Just happy to be squandering away what's left of the toil. That's what toil should be. I'm so sick of everything. Time to go hide in bed once more.

But before that, a super aww paragraph from Stardust:

“So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and… What I’m trying to say, Tristan is… I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I’d know it for myself. My heart… It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it’s trying to escape because it doesn’t belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I’d wish for nothing in exchange - no fits. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.”

bottomless pit

To a friend:

I am sorry I was pretty monosyllabic on msn (if you noticed)
Anyway, I can't share much in your happiness but trust me, I'm happy for you
but currently, I am incapable of expressing anything
I am drowning too much in my own unhappiness
but yeah I won't spoil things for you so I won't bring anything up

***

Do I have the guts to do it?

And this is how we say goodbye.

***

I love Jay's 青花瓷.

extremely gloomy toil

A cloud of gloom is hanging over my head.

I never needed you to help me so much, till now. In fact I always hated you (the way you always make things happen but in the end, they never work out), but now I seriously need your help.

Time is running out.

I might as well get ready a shovel and start digging my grave. Next up, my personal favourite line: Dying is faster.

let's cross over the wall

Stardust was good. Well I went in expecting it to be good anyway, after reading positive reviews in the papers. Yeah, it was such a long time since I last caught a movie, sigh, yeah my life is really quite sad.

Well, love a good fairy tale any day. :)

bad luck as always

I must have taken more photographs in my ex-firm's DnD than the current one. Yeah, just have to remember who to ask the pics from as there were numerous cameras involved. I didn't crash the DnD per say but I was around the area...and I met up with some people, hence the photo-takings.

Anyway, two people remarked pretty much the same things to me in office this week. One went, "Why are you always in office?"

And the answer, "Planning loh."

And the second one saw me today and asked directly, "Why are you always doing planning?"

I nodded sadly and of which he proceeded to bluntly add.

"Then you must have a lot of (team-in-charge) jobs."

Bah, great. Yes you are damn right. And I'm so gonna die.

Anyway, my Samsung charger just died on me. I thought I'm going to be totally contact-less tomorrow since my phone's battery went flat. But thank goodness for the USB cable, now the phone's happily charging from the laptop. However, urgh I'll have to drop by the Samsung service centre (wherever that is) to get the charger replaced. :(

big girls don't cry

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

The path that I'm walking I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'till I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to'
Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
it's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

jay mania

It's rare to see a Monday afternoon post.

But in any case, I am feeling damn pissed right now...and feeling damn handicapped without an OCBC credit card. Else I would have gladly rushed down to the nearest sistic counter and get the concert tickets over and done with.

So no ocbc credit card but armed with ocbc credit card details (as kindly supplied by a good friend), I attempted from morning till now to book a PAIR of jay chou concert tickets. To no avail. I got allocated some decent seats but the furthest I got was to the ticket availability page but I never, ever got to the proceed to make payment page. That site is !@#$!...and the hotline is really HOTTTT. Dammit, dammit, dammit...I'm forsaking my precious sleep time for this crap. No words can describe my annoyance/frustration/ANGER at the sistic website.

The same kind friend is gonna attempt to help me queue at a sistic counter near her workplace to get the darned tix.

I feel like giving up and retreating back to bed.

This is complete madness.

edit: I got my jay tix after a zillion failed attempts. I'm too tired to choose seats...and so settled with whatever they got there...forget about all the PBs area.

In pain

I had a root x3 surgery today...and now half of my face is in pain and I'm tasting and spitting blood out periodically. Gross. This surgery could potentially land me with a 5 day medical leave but I didn't think it would be that bad till I went for the consultation today. Anyway, seeing that my schedule doesn't permit an impromptu 5 day disappearance, it's only good that I had Saturday and Sunday to recover plus throw in 2 days more of MC. Feels abit bad towards the job next week as I'm working under a really nice manager. Alright then I'll just work doubly hard when I return on Wednesday.

In the meantime, can the bleeding stop???

**************************************

當對的人 等不到對的時間

就在放開雙手的瞬間 愛撕成兩邊
北極星的眼淚 說不出的想念

原來我們活在兩個世界

*************************************

traumatised

According to my standards, it is a bit too early to go to bed at ten plus pm.

However that is what I feel like doing right now. When I'm feeling upset or like now, upset plus traumatised, the only thing I feel like doing is to seek refuge in bed.

I'm just one terribly confused soul.

sunday should feel like sunday

Things don't always quite work out, the way I want it to be. It has indeed gone in the general direction according to my wishes, only to come to a halt because I am not enticed by what is in store.

Sigh, what to do? Back to square one again while I hang my head low, grit my teeth and pray for a less bumpy ride ahead (which is as good as impossible but as the saying goes, what won't kill you probably makes you stronger that is until the day I snap)

I still have more than 24 hours to change my mind.

On a separate note, masking is therapeutic on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

mid-week random

Tuesday is officially over and it still feels the same.

Maybe nothing's gonna change.

Or do I really want things to change? Let's see if it happens first.

idiotic people

I hate tactless people.

Don't you know that there are some things you shouldn't say in front of a girl?

Urgh. Don't think I'm very close to you and you start loosening your tongue. Twice. I decided to not take it to heart the first time and you did it a second time round. Okay third, if I count in your not-so-nice remark towards a certain somebody (that matters to me).

Anyway, I was already in a very bad mood and you had to annoy me further. Shouldn't care too much about such people. Pain in the arse, really.

So, maybe thing will take on a different course from Tuesday onwards. Sigh. We'll see.

Impaired judgment

I think I have just made the wrong decision again.

Yeah I believe it's wrong. Hell, I'm giving up something which is gonna be so right for something which is simply going to turn out horribly wrong. As always...my judgment is impaired. So damn, going to pay the price again.

Forever making wrong choices. I'm such an idiot.

Time to disapparate for good again while I get sucked into the unknown.

edit: Oooh, I realise that today marks the 1 year that I left my previous workplace.

lazy me

It's been a whileeee..

Primarily due to my home laptop being down so I don't particularly feel the urge to blog. Secondly, there are no interesting things to talk about. Life's been pretty mundane and abit on the sad side. Okay anyway, I feel bad today that I decided not to go for the intern outing, painstakingly organised by my previous workplace's interns (now year 1 associates) saturday after saturday and finally decided on today. Only one of us turned up from the few that they asked...if only they organised it as a dinner outing..

I'm really not a weekend lunch person.

I'm only alive in the later part of the day.

Plus I slept at 5am this morning..

Guess I'm crawling back to bed again pretty soon...I'm damn sleepy.

Totally worthless post again, as I say, there is really nothing interesting.

desensitizing...

I attribute my sickness to that lousy plate of aglio olio that I ate 3 days ago. It had way too much spices and pepper in it and it was like SOUPY, rather than the usual tossed dry aglio. So I choked on the spices and coughed myself red...plus slept late that night and I suppose this is the end result.

I wanted to pen a theory on tree branches but have been desensitizing myself too much to put the words down. It's great to expect the worst.

....

I have been too ill disciplined to come up with an entry. Well, actually I did sort of started on an entry a few days ago but couldn't be bothered to publish it.

I have the signs of a sore throat coming and sore throat always comes in a package with all other things.

Currently listening to the piano piece that was featured in Jay's movie Secret and allows one to transcend to 20 years ago. Cool piece. On my repeat mode now.

Yet another purposeless, senseless entry..

Barely here

For the first time in weeks, I finally left my laptop in office. Not that I have nothing to do, I just can't bear to look at it anymore.

I am dreading tomorrow. Yikes. Totally hate that messy one person job.

More mess to come.

I am sooooooooooooo tired.

I am barely here.

Grilled

Tormented to the point of falling sick.

Way to go. I am like brilliant for screwing up a small little, shitty job.

That was three months ago that I was thrown unceremoniously into a 3 day one person job. The client took leave on the first day and I could only go in on the second half of the day on the second which means I only had 1.5 days to finish two small shitty entities that are plagued with weird issues.

I didn't even know how to do tax then. Well, still am now but...I admit that section was really quite badly done as I wasn't really sure how to.

Now the shit is back to haunt me. I am in for it. I am like totally dead.

The irony of being able to survive a bigger list co shit and yet being killed instantaneously by a small shit.

I am sad.

But the sight of him does cheer me up.