-_-

이렇게 늦게 집에 돌아갈 줄 몰랐어...불꽃놀이 때문에...tvd 보고 싶어. 

-

아무리 열심히 공부해도 시험이 잘 안 봤어...

ㅠㅠ

열심히 공부했는데도 시험이 절 못 봤어!!

왜 이렇게 못 했어?!!!!

그럼 잘 자..곳낫이 :(

-_-

Perusing back a few of my angst-filled past entries and looking back at my past life, I am indeed living a dream now. A dream that is funded by my fast dwindling bank account and can only be maintained if I continue to pass my language course. Which I am no longer confident that I can....

Maybe I am getting old. My memory is failing me.

I can't remember things as well as I used to.

My less than satisfactory grade in the last semester kinda destroyed whatever last ounce of confidence I have. I hate to turn my interest into stress cos it will 100% screw things up and it did.

Maybe I fangirl too much here. Shrugs. People can do it and still do well but apparently not me. I am sooo glad my blog is still alive for me to rant...I can't do it anymore at twitter. twitter is no longer a place where I keep updated of blogshops and current affairs. /dry laughs.

I have to go back to my (unemployed) real life soon. But I have made ridiculous and expensive back-up plans (in the event I do screw up) to retake and hopefully coincide with the comeback. Assuming it happens. OMG what the hell am I doing?

Why is it that people can look ahead and know they can sail on to the next level and what I see is only darkness and uncertainty? And of cos it's damn expensive to maintain this bubble of a dream.

When I was really still a student in my school days, I self doubt myself all the time. But this time, I know there is a chance that I really might not make it.

Why is my interest killing me now? :(

I am already trying my darnest to chill this semester.

Maybe if I pray hard enough. I can get pass this level.

FML. once again divine intervention needed.

what the fuck am I trying to hold on to?






 

hello again!

my blog is alive!

and I am actually auto-logged in. :)

Haven't blogged in 2.5 years.

The itch is back.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but it empties today of its strength and joy

Because this is too long to be expressed in Twitter. Yes, I do tweet to a non-existent audience but mainly I use Twitter to keep myself updated of other happenings.

I know my Headmaster theory probably sounded harsh to you. I have to say that is not my intention. I am disappointed that the Pure Blood/Half Blood theory no longer holds but the bottomline is, stellar grades or not, you still need a Headmaster to recognise your potential in order to rise above the ranks and eventually do well in Hogwarts. I am sorry the word 'potential' wasn't quite expressed clearly yesterday which led you to interpret that I meant it as you didn't do anything to get there. At the end of the day, I wanted a fairer system, one that recognises the amount of experience and not whether the stellar grades/headmaster recognises you are a gem. In other words, do not shortchange. But fuck it la, the world is not fair anyway. It has been 6 months down the road and I'm kinda appalled at myself for reacting strongly. But I have cooled down. I have enough shit to deal with as it is.

Back to the current world, enough of the hogwarts nonsense. I am about to be thrown in the deep end in a number of not very likeable locations. I understand your rationale for wanting me to lead, I never say I don't want to. I only hope to be given an opportunity this year to learn as much as possible in a supporting role before the next progression (if it happens). And I understand the rationale also that the other so-called nicer locations are probably more xiong but after a stressful day, at least one is still in a place that can soothe the mood and not in some XXX place where recoiling back into the hotel seems like a better option. I'll never be able to bring this across to you in person as I do not want to appear like I am choosing anything. I know I do not have this luxury. The best plan I can think of is, why not let me join the other team and allow me to learn from the one who has done it before? But no your mind is made up, unless some new projects come in and make it impossible for me to do the job.

I worry too much about the future. And yet the past still haunts me once in a while.

寂寞寂寞就好

I know I haven't blogged in a million years.

I love this song from Hebe's 单飞 album:

還是原來那個我 不過流掉幾公升淚所以變瘦
對著鏡子我承諾 遲早我會還這張臉一堆笑容

不算什麼 愛錯就愛錯
早點認錯 早一點解脫

我寂寞寂寞就好 這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱
就讓我一個人去痛到受不了 想到快瘋掉
死不了就還好

我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會笨到忘不了 賴著不放掉
人本來就寂寞的 借來的都該還掉
我總會把你戒掉

還是原來那個你 是我自己做夢你有改變什麼
再多的愛也沒用 每個人有每個人的業障因果

會有什麼 什麼都沒有
早點看破 才看得見以後

我寂寞寂寞就好 這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱
就讓我一個人去痛到受不了 想到快瘋掉
死不了就還好

我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會笨到忘不了 賴著不放掉
人本來就寂寞的 我總會把你戒掉

things do not fall in place, they crumble.

This post is not a direct response to Sumiko Tan's upcoming wedding as seen in Thursday's papers. I'm happy for her though. This made me believe that fairy tales do happen for other people, even it it comes late at almost 3 decades later. :)

Anyway this is in response to her colleague, Ignatius Low's column in The Sunday Times. Some quotable paragraphs:

"...finding happiness, fulfillment and love - and keeping it alive - is tough in a fast-paced urban society like Singapore."

"Yet, some couples have an easy time. They dated in school and made the natural progression to marriage. Others meet at the workplace or in church and a common set of circumstances or beliefs helps cement their relationships."

"But the rest of us, things do not fall in place so easily."

"Some people found them (questions that Sumiko asked herself throughout her singlehood) whiny, self-defeating and unworthy of being aired in public."

"But they gave comfort to thousands of other readers who must have realised that they were not alone in their solitude, or that there was nothing wrong with occasionally feeling lonely or indulging in self-pity or regret."

I agree with Ignatius. To detractors of Sumiko, just when you feel that she is being extreme and overly pessimistic, you need to know that there are others out there who feels the same way because they are in similar situations. You may be one of those who have an easy time and have no idea what it's like to be single (and lonely) OR you may be an optimist who don't believe in wallowing in self-pity. However, to the rest, it's always comforting to know that there is someone you can relate to and can possibly understand what you are going through. Besides that's her own personal column so she's free to write on what she wants.

I'm not Sumiko's greatest fan. In fact, I started following her column only sometime last year. I haven't read all of her stuff. But I really enjoyed what I have seen so far. Btw ST, if you need a new writer to whine about singlehood, I have an immediate candidate for you, lol.

Yes, things do not fall in place easily for all but I'm glad it has fallen in place for you.

Call me callous, but you brought it upon yourself.

Don't take your friends for granted.

You can continue with your disappearing act. Guess what, I'm actually happier not giving a shit about you.