I have been in a trance-like state for most part of last week and of course, Monday as well. It was no honeymoon as after the first week of induction/training, I was thrown full scale into the firm's biggest job which I rather not do, thank you. It would be nice to try it out first on an at least moderate sized job....just to get the feel of things. Unfortunately I have no such luxury and I don't think there is any learning curve here. It is either you know or you don't and just feel dumb. I feel as if I am on auto-pilot once more...this same feeling I had about a couple of months ago when I was doing that six month thingy in the previous firm. Going on auto-pilot blocks out the stress temporarily but the shock is acute when things screw up. Like they always do while I frantically dug through my CYAs to provide an answer to the senior.
I like to think that I am a liability to the team being new and all and having not done an entity of this size before. The grass is not always greener on the other side and I never felt that it'll be any greener here. The basic welfare is there alrite with the generous claimings and stuff but the stress and feeling of inept, I guess this happens everywhere as it is job specific. Am I lucky or just plain unlucky? Impressive portfolio? Nah..not when one is stuck on the same shit for the whole year.
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