-_-

Perusing back a few of my angst-filled past entries and looking back at my past life, I am indeed living a dream now. A dream that is funded by my fast dwindling bank account and can only be maintained if I continue to pass my language course. Which I am no longer confident that I can....

Maybe I am getting old. My memory is failing me.

I can't remember things as well as I used to.

My less than satisfactory grade in the last semester kinda destroyed whatever last ounce of confidence I have. I hate to turn my interest into stress cos it will 100% screw things up and it did.

Maybe I fangirl too much here. Shrugs. People can do it and still do well but apparently not me. I am sooo glad my blog is still alive for me to rant...I can't do it anymore at twitter. twitter is no longer a place where I keep updated of blogshops and current affairs. /dry laughs.

I have to go back to my (unemployed) real life soon. But I have made ridiculous and expensive back-up plans (in the event I do screw up) to retake and hopefully coincide with the comeback. Assuming it happens. OMG what the hell am I doing?

Why is it that people can look ahead and know they can sail on to the next level and what I see is only darkness and uncertainty? And of cos it's damn expensive to maintain this bubble of a dream.

When I was really still a student in my school days, I self doubt myself all the time. But this time, I know there is a chance that I really might not make it.

Why is my interest killing me now? :(

I am already trying my darnest to chill this semester.

Maybe if I pray hard enough. I can get pass this level.

FML. once again divine intervention needed.

what the fuck am I trying to hold on to?






 

hello again!

my blog is alive!

and I am actually auto-logged in. :)

Haven't blogged in 2.5 years.

The itch is back.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but it empties today of its strength and joy

Because this is too long to be expressed in Twitter. Yes, I do tweet to a non-existent audience but mainly I use Twitter to keep myself updated of other happenings.

I know my Headmaster theory probably sounded harsh to you. I have to say that is not my intention. I am disappointed that the Pure Blood/Half Blood theory no longer holds but the bottomline is, stellar grades or not, you still need a Headmaster to recognise your potential in order to rise above the ranks and eventually do well in Hogwarts. I am sorry the word 'potential' wasn't quite expressed clearly yesterday which led you to interpret that I meant it as you didn't do anything to get there. At the end of the day, I wanted a fairer system, one that recognises the amount of experience and not whether the stellar grades/headmaster recognises you are a gem. In other words, do not shortchange. But fuck it la, the world is not fair anyway. It has been 6 months down the road and I'm kinda appalled at myself for reacting strongly. But I have cooled down. I have enough shit to deal with as it is.

Back to the current world, enough of the hogwarts nonsense. I am about to be thrown in the deep end in a number of not very likeable locations. I understand your rationale for wanting me to lead, I never say I don't want to. I only hope to be given an opportunity this year to learn as much as possible in a supporting role before the next progression (if it happens). And I understand the rationale also that the other so-called nicer locations are probably more xiong but after a stressful day, at least one is still in a place that can soothe the mood and not in some XXX place where recoiling back into the hotel seems like a better option. I'll never be able to bring this across to you in person as I do not want to appear like I am choosing anything. I know I do not have this luxury. The best plan I can think of is, why not let me join the other team and allow me to learn from the one who has done it before? But no your mind is made up, unless some new projects come in and make it impossible for me to do the job.

I worry too much about the future. And yet the past still haunts me once in a while.

寂寞寂寞就好

I know I haven't blogged in a million years.

I love this song from Hebe's 单飞 album:

還是原來那個我 不過流掉幾公升淚所以變瘦
對著鏡子我承諾 遲早我會還這張臉一堆笑容

不算什麼 愛錯就愛錯
早點認錯 早一點解脫

我寂寞寂寞就好 這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱
就讓我一個人去痛到受不了 想到快瘋掉
死不了就還好

我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會笨到忘不了 賴著不放掉
人本來就寂寞的 借來的都該還掉
我總會把你戒掉

還是原來那個你 是我自己做夢你有改變什麼
再多的愛也沒用 每個人有每個人的業障因果

會有什麼 什麼都沒有
早點看破 才看得見以後

我寂寞寂寞就好 這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱
就讓我一個人去痛到受不了 想到快瘋掉
死不了就還好

我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會笨到忘不了 賴著不放掉
人本來就寂寞的 我總會把你戒掉

things do not fall in place, they crumble.

This post is not a direct response to Sumiko Tan's upcoming wedding as seen in Thursday's papers. I'm happy for her though. This made me believe that fairy tales do happen for other people, even it it comes late at almost 3 decades later. :)

Anyway this is in response to her colleague, Ignatius Low's column in The Sunday Times. Some quotable paragraphs:

"...finding happiness, fulfillment and love - and keeping it alive - is tough in a fast-paced urban society like Singapore."

"Yet, some couples have an easy time. They dated in school and made the natural progression to marriage. Others meet at the workplace or in church and a common set of circumstances or beliefs helps cement their relationships."

"But the rest of us, things do not fall in place so easily."

"Some people found them (questions that Sumiko asked herself throughout her singlehood) whiny, self-defeating and unworthy of being aired in public."

"But they gave comfort to thousands of other readers who must have realised that they were not alone in their solitude, or that there was nothing wrong with occasionally feeling lonely or indulging in self-pity or regret."

I agree with Ignatius. To detractors of Sumiko, just when you feel that she is being extreme and overly pessimistic, you need to know that there are others out there who feels the same way because they are in similar situations. You may be one of those who have an easy time and have no idea what it's like to be single (and lonely) OR you may be an optimist who don't believe in wallowing in self-pity. However, to the rest, it's always comforting to know that there is someone you can relate to and can possibly understand what you are going through. Besides that's her own personal column so she's free to write on what she wants.

I'm not Sumiko's greatest fan. In fact, I started following her column only sometime last year. I haven't read all of her stuff. But I really enjoyed what I have seen so far. Btw ST, if you need a new writer to whine about singlehood, I have an immediate candidate for you, lol.

Yes, things do not fall in place easily for all but I'm glad it has fallen in place for you.

Call me callous, but you brought it upon yourself.

Don't take your friends for granted.

You can continue with your disappearing act. Guess what, I'm actually happier not giving a shit about you.

under-utilised

Evidence of how little I utilise the monthly bundled discount and rebates I have in my current phone plan:

Free 100 min outgoing call - Actual usage: 5.2 minutes
Free 500 local sms/mms - Actual usage: 297 messages
Free 12 GB local mobile data - Actual usage: 725 mb (not even 1 gig lor)

And I surfed on my phone very frequently, be it on the way home or at office for quick updates. So basically I have more than enough on my plan. lol.

Oh and for the free incoming calls, my actual usage: 10.6 minutes.

happiness is cyclical

I apologise for the lack of entries, in case anyone is still checking back here.

And nowadays I will only blog when there is a need to, like today...Sumiko Tan has a new article on ST! She is like my idol, can, because I so agree with all that she said. Let me post a few quotes from her article - "Fear of the Unknown" -

"Happiness is cyclical. We've discovered that unhappiness invariably follows happiness, so it's best to keep your head down, stay under the radar and control your emotions."
True! Happiness always feels surreal to me probably because it seems in recent times I have encountered more shit than any form of true happiness.

"..if I'm negative about something and something negative really materialises, then I won't feel too let down as I had predicted this all along."
hahaha that's what I always say loh to people who know me well. I'd predict all the bad things first so if/when they really happen, it feels less worse, cos it's like I have been expecting it all along.

"It's perverse, I know, and pop psychologists will have a field day with people like me."
They will have a field day with me too!

"Can it be that I had once experienced such great happiness only to have it end so abruptly and painfully that I never wanted to be put in a situation where it might happen again?"
(Fortunately) I have not encountered any great happiness to have it shattered in my face. Happiness doesn't quite go together with my pessimistic self.

"...I've become comfortable with my glumness. It's my shield against future unhappiness."
Yes!! lol.

"It is certainly more painful to lose a new-found happiness that it is to be constantly unhappy."
nods?

"Humans are cowards in the face of happiness. It takes courage to hold on to happiness."
I agree with this somehow. but since there is nothing to hold on to, so this statement is really not that applicable..hahaa.

I know this entry sounds like a contradiction to what I posted on FB, which is actually a quote from SATC- "“Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future,
stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.”

I'm trying not to think too much now, kinda like on auto-pilot mode for most of the days. But I have no expectations (on anything remotely positive) either cos I hate to be disappointed. So there. End of my rant on a Sunday morning. :)

Once is enough

I was really fuming today.

Once is enough. And no, I don't think you are funny at all.

You are just bloody insensitive.

And when I'm stressed, I would appreciate that you shut up.

madness

Fans fume as Jay Chou concert ticket counter opens -- and staff say tics sold out - this is ridiculous!

The sistic site was jammed for the 2008 concert but I still managed to secure a pair of tickets at night. The 2004 concert, I wasn't the one who bought the tickets so I dunno how crazy it was then. But definitely not as bad as now. It just gets worse.

What is the point of commencing sales at 9am for more box offices when even the first person in the queue can't get the tickets?

The sistic website only allowed me to get as far as the seats availability page where surprisingly all the pricing categories were BLACK (meaning available) but when I tried to submit after choosing the price range, I received an error message. And this happened multiple times before the site died on me. And also, I suspect quite a number of people got tix via whatever connections they have with the sponsors, media etc...so meaning the actual number of tickets that went on sale to the public could have been largely reduced.

One netizen suggested a pretty good idea, what about holding the concert at the National Stadium instead? More seats available...and since Mayday has done it, why not Jay? And Jay has held concert at outdoor stadiums in Taiwan.

He might as well not come, so stressful. If I have the time, I'd prefer going taipei to watch his concert. Yeah but too bad, now leave embargo till after June :(

zzzz

The last week has been mentally/physically draining as well as painful (think scraped knee). The weeks to come will probably be a whole lot worse. Stressful as well when I couldn't get my hands on jay's concert tickets within the first 2 hours of its launch, and wham, they are all sold out. I believe the same scenario will repeat itself on the next sale date for the 23 July concert. I'm thankful though that I don't have to be subjected to that madness again.

Major sunday blues as usual. Napped for 3 hours earlier, signs and symptoms of depression..zzz.

April

Firstly, would like to thank joyce for entertaining me with her 2nd entry of 2010. You know I miss reading your entries. :) I have been following fewer and fewer blogs and getting more and more dependent on twitter. lol. Bite-sized and on-the-go.

Today I managed to sell off my 2nd piece of impulse buy from the net. I totally heart Cotters Mall. It may be a few bucks' loss but it beats having the item rot in my wardrobe. And it's not only online buys, I have bought stuff from brick and mortar stores and have worn them from 0-1 time, which is really bad.

Other than that, so far I'm still pretty satisfied with my online loots. :)

remember me not

Remember me was a complete yawn.

I don't know if it's the editing or the censoring but the whole movie was pretty disjointed. Scenes ended abruptly for no good reason and made one wonder why that scene was there in the first place. And...the ending was totally crap. I could think of a million other better ways to end it. I find the movie meaningless, lol. Only RPattz was a total (stiff) doll still and I was struggling to stay awake just to look at his face. Hahaha.

some things just don't die

I saw him again today. At a food court near my workplace. I'm surprised as I thought his workplace is 2 train stations away. Or maybe he's working for a new place now. *shrugs* But well, the impact of seeing him again after two years is pretty minimal.

It's kinda weird and amusing that people from the past are appearing one after another before me. lol.

On a different note, I totally dig bonitochico. Heart their dresses. Needless to say, I have contributed a substantial portion of this month's clothes buying budget to them but only received 2 dresses so far. :( The rest are backorder-ed. I hate waiting.

-

My Sunday morning was ruined by a sms.

And all was dark and gloomy for the rest of the day.

I dread Monday. :(

retail therapy-ing

I literally went crazy and bought 6 dresses (2 backorders 1 pending) from a renowned local blogshop.

This is the result of panaroia/stress and coming from a person who rarely, ever bought any piece of clothing online. Now I sure hope they fit! I'm a lousy estimator, at the most I need to go on a diet, dammit!

I hope to get my pending (most recent) order first.... :\\ as I won't be seeing my 2 backorders till late March/early April and that sucks as March is a terrible, terrible month. I need to be cheered up, fast. :(

Tree talk

RPattz finally made a special appearance on Jimmy Fallon's silly segment on Robert is Bothered.

Damn hilarious lah.

IF

If for a moment you would put yourself in my shoes.

How would you feel if you just came back from foundation course and am clueless on the current status? And being instantly swarmed.

How would you feel that your boss is going on maternity leave soon and the boss' boss is totally hands free (and doesn't give a damn)?

How would you feel that in 3 weeks' time you would have to present ALONE in front of senior management?

If you would only pause for a moment and think of the above, perhaps you won't look so nonchalant and pass insensitive remarks. You are too sheltered whereas I'm a magnet for trouble.

I need to be retail therapied

Huat!

This is the first cny that I spent more time holing up at home/hotel than anywhere else. And totally didn't show face for any 拜年 activities.

Despite the above, I did lao yusheng x3 times so hope my luck can be multiplied by 3, lol.


Happy new year!

never again

I'm never going to make use of vpostusa again. I'll take USPS any day. The cost saving as advertised is a ton of bs.

Vpost just overcharged me by over S$50 as compared to an item of similar dimensions and weight that was shipped to me via USPS. I didn't even know when they implement the fuel surcharge thing and INCREASED the base charge as well. USPS was much more transparent in their charging.

bloodsucker..urgh.